[WARNING: This post contains nudity and explicitly Barbigraphic images]
Soap Review: A Lather Story
[WARNING: This post contains nudity and explicitly Barbigraphic images]
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
21 Mar 2010
Evil genius scientist in laboratory: NOW ze secret formula to create ze most awsum jiu-jitsu logo in da whole vide vorld! [snap...pop....bang] Take one jungle animal - give heem many 'roids - put heem inside tight feeting gi and zen vhip heem to get ze maaaad face...voila!!!
But vhich animal to use? So many choices...
Jiu-Jitsu Animals
Evil genius scientist in laboratory: NOW ze secret formula to create ze most awsum jiu-jitsu logo in da whole vide vorld! [snap...pop.....
18 Mar 2010
Thanks to Matt for tweeting this pie chart of BJJ techniques, below is my breakdown of BJJ activities. Hmmm.
Who Ate All The Pies?
Thanks to Matt for tweeting this pie chart of BJJ techniques, below is my breakdown of BJJ activities. Hmmm.
16 Mar 2010
I couldn't resist posting about this article. Although it is a couple of years old, it resurfaced recently when a couple of guys on the BJJ forums decided to use it to have a pop at BJJ bloggers. The sweet irony of using a blog to spout off against other blogs I am sure was deliberate.
Well, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?
Right, back to my "whiteboard and substandard training partners" to notch up my next revolutionary training method.
Well, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?
Right, back to my "whiteboard and substandard training partners" to notch up my next revolutionary training method.
Blog Off!
I couldn't resist posting about this article. Although it is a couple of years old, it resurfaced recently when a couple of guys on the...
26 Jan 2010
Hi, reservation for one please.
I'm sorry Sir, tonight is uniforms only, rules of the house.
How about his blue one? It's clean.
Certainly sir, here is your menu...
...tonight we have a starter of warm-ups, followed by a course of stretching. the main course will be passing the guard followed by dessert of sparring.
Um, sounds delicious but I was hoping your speciality of flying armbar would be on the menu?
I'm sorry, only passing the guard tonight.
Do you take card?
I'm afraid only monthly direct debit only Sir.
Jeez, who is that over therre shouting, screaming and swearing?
That will be Master Ramsey, he's a black belt who is visiting us for a TV program called Hell's Dojo, please ignore him.
Ok, what do you recommend for an aperitif?
May I recommend a large portion of the white belt over there Sir, he is big and a bit clumsy, but he is young and perhaps easily submitted by a vintage such as yourself Sir?
Er, what about the cheeky fizzy one over there?
Ah, an excellent choice Sir, but beware, the purple belt means she will crush you despite her diminuitive stature.
Sounds great, do you do fries?
Sir, we are a BJJ academy, Mcdonalds is down the road.
I'm sorry Sir, tonight is uniforms only, rules of the house.
How about his blue one? It's clean.
Certainly sir, here is your menu...
...tonight we have a starter of warm-ups, followed by a course of stretching. the main course will be passing the guard followed by dessert of sparring.
Um, sounds delicious but I was hoping your speciality of flying armbar would be on the menu?
I'm sorry, only passing the guard tonight.
Do you take card?
I'm afraid only monthly direct debit only Sir.
Jeez, who is that over therre shouting, screaming and swearing?
That will be Master Ramsey, he's a black belt who is visiting us for a TV program called Hell's Dojo, please ignore him.
Ok, what do you recommend for an aperitif?
May I recommend a large portion of the white belt over there Sir, he is big and a bit clumsy, but he is young and perhaps easily submitted by a vintage such as yourself Sir?
Er, what about the cheeky fizzy one over there?
Ah, an excellent choice Sir, but beware, the purple belt means she will crush you despite her diminuitive stature.
Sounds great, do you do fries?
Sir, we are a BJJ academy, Mcdonalds is down the road.
BJJ is a bit like eating out in a fancy restaurant...
Hi, reservation for one please. I'm sorry Sir, tonight is uniforms only, rules of the house. How about his blue one? It's clean....
29 Apr 2009
This is not a blog as such, but a continuous forum thread written by a supposed teenager called Shinkengata who studies ninjitsu. Regulars to the Bullshido website will recognise this, but I've only recently come across it, so I thought I would share choice snippets with you...
Day 1:
Dear Diary,
I was walking home from school today with Vampirefr34k and D1abl0 and we saw this hella s1ck poster advertising Ninjitsu classes. It said we could learn to be Ninjas, which is hecka cool. I copied the number from the poster down into my cellphone with the HIM logo on it and walked home. Mom got p1$$ed when i asked her if i could join. She said something about me being gay enough as it is. I called her a bitch (under my breath, of course). I swear my parents just don't understand me.
Day 35:
Dear diary,
I got in my first real fight today. It was totally sweet. He started talking trash about my nail polish. I told him that his feeble mind was too weak to comprehend the symbolism behind it, and he called me an emo fagg. I felt all the power of all the Ninja grandmasters through the years swell up in me as i kicked him over in his wheelchair.
Day 74:
Class went pretty well. Some kid from a cage fighter school showed up and called us all pussies and homos. He challenged me to a match, but i didn't want to kill him, so i declined. Sensei cast a spell on him , so his penis should be shrinking pretty soon. hehe.
Day 160:
Dear Diary,
I got into a fight with Sensei when i went to his class to turn in my belt and tell him i was starting a school of my own. I won, because he went to do a rolling meerkat (!!! yeah.Ed) death kick and threw his back out. Maybe it was my constantly increasing Ki that caused his back to go out during the roll, because i put up a chi shield when he started to roll. I think it worked pretty well, if you ask me. I took most of his students, and we had class in my new Dojo behind Wal-Mart.
and so on for about 30 odd pages. It's worth reading during your lunch hour. Here's the full thread.
Also on Bullshido, presumably by a different author, is the Diary of a BJJ Teen: which is not quite a funny as the ninja thread, but not bad in places.
Martial Arts is so ripe for parody, I'm surprised it is not done more often. I myself am not immune to the odd juvenile gag, but I save those for April Fools Day.
Wish me luck for Sunday. I compete at the Essex BJJ Open.
Day 1:
Dear Diary,
I was walking home from school today with Vampirefr34k and D1abl0 and we saw this hella s1ck poster advertising Ninjitsu classes. It said we could learn to be Ninjas, which is hecka cool. I copied the number from the poster down into my cellphone with the HIM logo on it and walked home. Mom got p1$$ed when i asked her if i could join. She said something about me being gay enough as it is. I called her a bitch (under my breath, of course). I swear my parents just don't understand me.
Day 35:
Dear diary,
I got in my first real fight today. It was totally sweet. He started talking trash about my nail polish. I told him that his feeble mind was too weak to comprehend the symbolism behind it, and he called me an emo fagg. I felt all the power of all the Ninja grandmasters through the years swell up in me as i kicked him over in his wheelchair.
Day 74:
Class went pretty well. Some kid from a cage fighter school showed up and called us all pussies and homos. He challenged me to a match, but i didn't want to kill him, so i declined. Sensei cast a spell on him , so his penis should be shrinking pretty soon. hehe.
Day 160:
Dear Diary,
I got into a fight with Sensei when i went to his class to turn in my belt and tell him i was starting a school of my own. I won, because he went to do a rolling meerkat (!!! yeah.Ed) death kick and threw his back out. Maybe it was my constantly increasing Ki that caused his back to go out during the roll, because i put up a chi shield when he started to roll. I think it worked pretty well, if you ask me. I took most of his students, and we had class in my new Dojo behind Wal-Mart.
and so on for about 30 odd pages. It's worth reading during your lunch hour. Here's the full thread.
Also on Bullshido, presumably by a different author, is the Diary of a BJJ Teen: which is not quite a funny as the ninja thread, but not bad in places.
Martial Arts is so ripe for parody, I'm surprised it is not done more often. I myself am not immune to the odd juvenile gag, but I save those for April Fools Day.
Wish me luck for Sunday. I compete at the Essex BJJ Open.
Blog highlight: Diary of a Teen Ninja
This is not a blog as such, but a continuous forum thread written by a supposed teenager called Shinkengata who studies ninjitsu. Regulars t...
3 Apr 2009
Oh boy it's all go here at Meerkatsu Central HQ Dojo, home of the small.
Leaving my Trad JJ Club
First up, the big news, I have finally retired from running my trad JJ club.
It is the club where I first began learning my traditional style of ju-jitsu over ten years ago and the place where I honed my teaching skills for five of those. I will miss the club and the great bunch of people who attended, but due to various constraints on my time, I felt the club would succeed better under the fresh stewardship of my JJ pal David. Good luck to everyone at the club.
It's a good time to reflect on the highlights of my time at Imperial. I achieved the rank of second dan black belt, I competed at numerous tournaments, met lots of people and made good friends. And it was through trad JJ that I discovered BJJ.
I will miss the club, it has dominated my martial arts life for so many years. But there were a couple of hairy moments:
Probably the worst injury I recall happened to a chap called Daniel. He was sparring on the ground and, in a completely freakish accident, managed to bang his elbow on the mat surface in such as way to make it shatter in several places. His pain was obvious. He has since recovered mobility in his elbow but can never do jujitsu again.
And who can forget the comedy pratfall as I demonstrated a spinning jumping back kick and landed to the sound of my ankle ligaments snapping apart!!
99 percent of the people that turn up are sound. One or two however were, for want of a better word, misfits, who were slightly deluded as to what martial arts is about and how much work it takes to become proficient. These types, thankfully, never last more than a few sessions. One chap attended one lesson, then went out to buy himself an all black uniform (we wear white) just so he could look like a flipping ninja. He didn't show up after that second time. Then there are the types who ask about samurai swords, and even after I tell them to buy a blunt one, they go and buy a razor sharp one, which is wholly unneccesary and downright dangerous in my view. I could go on, but I should emphasise these were very rare exceptions.
Most of all however, I am proud of the way I have maintained a club where the training atmosphere is friendly, fun and free of bullshit or ego, without sacrificing technical level and quality of instruction. A good session is one where you see the guys and girls have a laugh, sweat a lot, have a drink after and generally beam with confidence.
I was never confortable being called sensei, to me, the students are all grown adults who just come along to learn something new, get fit and enjoy themselves. The last thing they want is an egotist barking at them for two hours. To me, the fundamental principle of good technique over size or strength was always the root lesson of every class. I like to think that as a small guy myself, I could prove to be an example of this principle when competing or applying jujitsu against bigger opponents.
Pre-comp jitters
Well, it is the eve of the Brighton Grab and Pull Tournament and I'm very excited. I've had a clutch of intense sessions at BJJ class, all designed to 'toughen' me up and get me prepared to the type of sparring done in competitions. I must say, it is not pretty. When you spar in competitive mode, gone are the fancy stuff and it is pretty 101 brutal and in your face aggression. It hurts too. Every sinew in my body is aching, and that's sparring with friends! In any case, I fully intend to enjoy tomorrow. It'll be a learning experience and I can only gain, whether I win or (more likely) lose.
Writers fame at last
Finally, those wonderful guys at On The Mat, one of the largest grappling news websites in the world have kindly published my Jiu-Jitsu Sisterhood article. You can read it online here.
Leaving my Trad JJ Club
First up, the big news, I have finally retired from running my trad JJ club.
It is the club where I first began learning my traditional style of ju-jitsu over ten years ago and the place where I honed my teaching skills for five of those. I will miss the club and the great bunch of people who attended, but due to various constraints on my time, I felt the club would succeed better under the fresh stewardship of my JJ pal David. Good luck to everyone at the club.
It's a good time to reflect on the highlights of my time at Imperial. I achieved the rank of second dan black belt, I competed at numerous tournaments, met lots of people and made good friends. And it was through trad JJ that I discovered BJJ.
I will miss the club, it has dominated my martial arts life for so many years. But there were a couple of hairy moments:
Probably the worst injury I recall happened to a chap called Daniel. He was sparring on the ground and, in a completely freakish accident, managed to bang his elbow on the mat surface in such as way to make it shatter in several places. His pain was obvious. He has since recovered mobility in his elbow but can never do jujitsu again.
And who can forget the comedy pratfall as I demonstrated a spinning jumping back kick and landed to the sound of my ankle ligaments snapping apart!!
99 percent of the people that turn up are sound. One or two however were, for want of a better word, misfits, who were slightly deluded as to what martial arts is about and how much work it takes to become proficient. These types, thankfully, never last more than a few sessions. One chap attended one lesson, then went out to buy himself an all black uniform (we wear white) just so he could look like a flipping ninja. He didn't show up after that second time. Then there are the types who ask about samurai swords, and even after I tell them to buy a blunt one, they go and buy a razor sharp one, which is wholly unneccesary and downright dangerous in my view. I could go on, but I should emphasise these were very rare exceptions.
Most of all however, I am proud of the way I have maintained a club where the training atmosphere is friendly, fun and free of bullshit or ego, without sacrificing technical level and quality of instruction. A good session is one where you see the guys and girls have a laugh, sweat a lot, have a drink after and generally beam with confidence.
I was never confortable being called sensei, to me, the students are all grown adults who just come along to learn something new, get fit and enjoy themselves. The last thing they want is an egotist barking at them for two hours. To me, the fundamental principle of good technique over size or strength was always the root lesson of every class. I like to think that as a small guy myself, I could prove to be an example of this principle when competing or applying jujitsu against bigger opponents.
Pre-comp jitters
Well, it is the eve of the Brighton Grab and Pull Tournament and I'm very excited. I've had a clutch of intense sessions at BJJ class, all designed to 'toughen' me up and get me prepared to the type of sparring done in competitions. I must say, it is not pretty. When you spar in competitive mode, gone are the fancy stuff and it is pretty 101 brutal and in your face aggression. It hurts too. Every sinew in my body is aching, and that's sparring with friends! In any case, I fully intend to enjoy tomorrow. It'll be a learning experience and I can only gain, whether I win or (more likely) lose.
Writers fame at last
Finally, those wonderful guys at On The Mat, one of the largest grappling news websites in the world have kindly published my Jiu-Jitsu Sisterhood article. You can read it online here.
April Fools, pre-match jitters and leaving my Trad JJ club
Oh boy it's all go here at Meerkatsu Central HQ Dojo, home of the small. Leaving my Trad JJ Club First up, the big news, I have final...
28 Aug 2008
According to google stats, I’ve just received my 2,000th visitor to the Meerkatsu blog this year. Of course this figure could easily represent 10 people visiting 200 times, or one person 2,000 times (more likely), I’m not entirely au fait with analysing the figures, but it is reassuring to know that some people read my rants at least some of the time. Interestingly, in the figures for 2007, there was an extraordinarily huge peak of visitors when I posted a photo of the rather gorgeous Kyra Gracie. So just for the sake of clarity, let’s see what she looks like again…
Taken from her website: http://www.graciekyra.com/
Every male BJJ practitioner I know goes on about Kyra, including me. But the website actually offers very interesting information, revealing her impressive fight stats and training photos and it endorses the widely held view that she is a tremendous athlete who is dedicated to her sport, which is more than can be said about me.
I had a number of people emailing me and commenting in my last post about the Chinese characters I wrote in the made-up fake martial arts diploma. It translates: I believe I am Chinese, but I am really a ‘Big Nose’.
'Big Nose' being an old-skool insult that Chinese people give to western ‘foreigners’. Other phrase book nuggets to use on your holiday could include ‘pale face white ghost’ (very nasty insult), ‘son of a turtles egg’ (probably the worst you could ever say) and ‘Imperialist Opium dealing scumbag’. OK I made that last one up, but in my experience, Chinese people used to be very blunt with their insults. What with the Olympics, international economy and general more openness they are probably much more world aware now and have more subtle insults. Or maybe not.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that I sometimes come across people here in the UK, especially martial arts fanatics, who live, eat, breathe, dress, and even speak with an oriental accent in their quest to be a martial arts master. It is really weird. But there are also reports of American BJJ instructors who, overnight, begin to take on a Portuguese twang when naming their techniques. For example, the word ‘guard’ is almost universally re-iterated by a Portuguese speaker as ‘Gwardo’, which is very quaint sounding but you know what it means. If you catch a native English speaker saying GWARDO, he has either been watching too many BJJ DVDs or has spent half his life in Portugal or Brazil…or just wants it to appear that way.
But nowhere is the ‘crime’ of pretending to speak in a fake accent more prevalent than in the karate dojo.
24FightingChickens master, Rob Redmond writes in his excellent website about just this very phenomenon:
To quote his article:
Taken from her website: http://www.graciekyra.com/
Every male BJJ practitioner I know goes on about Kyra, including me. But the website actually offers very interesting information, revealing her impressive fight stats and training photos and it endorses the widely held view that she is a tremendous athlete who is dedicated to her sport, which is more than can be said about me.
I had a number of people emailing me and commenting in my last post about the Chinese characters I wrote in the made-up fake martial arts diploma. It translates: I believe I am Chinese, but I am really a ‘Big Nose’.
'Big Nose' being an old-skool insult that Chinese people give to western ‘foreigners’. Other phrase book nuggets to use on your holiday could include ‘pale face white ghost’ (very nasty insult), ‘son of a turtles egg’ (probably the worst you could ever say) and ‘Imperialist Opium dealing scumbag’. OK I made that last one up, but in my experience, Chinese people used to be very blunt with their insults. What with the Olympics, international economy and general more openness they are probably much more world aware now and have more subtle insults. Or maybe not.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that I sometimes come across people here in the UK, especially martial arts fanatics, who live, eat, breathe, dress, and even speak with an oriental accent in their quest to be a martial arts master. It is really weird. But there are also reports of American BJJ instructors who, overnight, begin to take on a Portuguese twang when naming their techniques. For example, the word ‘guard’ is almost universally re-iterated by a Portuguese speaker as ‘Gwardo’, which is very quaint sounding but you know what it means. If you catch a native English speaker saying GWARDO, he has either been watching too many BJJ DVDs or has spent half his life in Portugal or Brazil…or just wants it to appear that way.
But nowhere is the ‘crime’ of pretending to speak in a fake accent more prevalent than in the karate dojo.
24FightingChickens master, Rob Redmond writes in his excellent website about just this very phenomenon:
To quote his article:
“I personally do not like using Japanese terms in my karate classes. I think it gets in the way of good communication, and that it makes things seem mystical that are truly quite plain and unimpressive. I also worry that use of Japanese in my karate classes will create an exclusivist culture where newcomers feel uncomfortable. I also tire of spending time and energy teaching the terms to students, or reminding them of what they mean. I also do not care for trying to teach pronunciation, since my Japanese is accented with American, it seems a little preposterous that I would be correcting pronunciation.”It is probably for this reason that our style of trad JJ does not use Japanese words to describe techniques. But this can lead to problems when I get the odd Aikido, judo or jitsuka from another style coming to my dojo and talking about techniques using the Japanese terminology. I just nod, sagely, narrow my eyes, and witter something inscrutable under my breath…was that an insult maybe?…I'm not saying.
Forked Tongue
According to google stats, I’ve just received my 2,000th visitor to the Meerkatsu blog this year. Of course this figure could easily represe...
19 Aug 2008
A-levels, SATS, GCSEs – every year the same headlines ring out – exams are getting easier, grades are too high, ‘A’ grades are worthless, etc etc. But of all the academia stories seen in the press during this silly season, the press seem to reserve a special sneer at the unusual and quirky university degrees that our beloved institutes of education appear to specialise in. You know the ones. Degrees in things like surf science, acupuncture, parapsychology, even a degree in funeral studies – the list of non-traditional academic degrees is endless.
So why not a BSc in martial arts?
I’m serious! A curriculum could include all aspects of sports science that affect martial arts, lots of practical training in eastern and western arts, coaching studies, psychology, physiology and anatomy, history etc.
A degree in martial arts would give weight to individuals who wish to pursue their career as instructors with universally recognised academic qualification, as opposed to a simple black belt in a style no one’s ever heard of.
STOP PRESS…I’ve just been informed, and this is no lie, that you can actually do a university degree in martial arts. It comes from the University of West Coast in Panama (not quite Ivy League then) and is a distance learning course (those dreaded words distance learning…ahhhhh!)
STOP PRESS…God, I knew it, this Meerkat is obviously quick on ideas, slow on realising them. The University of Bridgeport in Connecticut, US, has an established martial arts degree – and one you can actually attend, rather than from a bogus place in Panama.
STOP PRESS…OK I give up, you can do a degree in martial arts at the even more renowned, Indiana University in the US.
Oh well, back to the drawing board. Martial Art doughnuts anyone?
BTW - the diploma picture above contains some offensive chinese words - you know when you are paranoid that the Chinese waiters are mocking you in front of your face?
Finally, finally, after about 7 weeks of injury provoked inactivity, I got back onto the mat at Nick's BJJ club. It felt sooooooo good to be back in training, and the sweeps we drilled were excellent. I was a bit gutted to miss the sparring but it was probably for my own safety so soon after injury. Instead, I looked after a bunch of kids who were scarily good at BJJ, despite being so young and tiny - the future of BJJ.
Martial Art Doughnuts
A-levels, SATS, GCSEs – every year the same headlines ring out – exams are getting easier, grades are too high, ‘A’ grades are worthless, et...
1 Apr 2008
OK, it's time to own up and admit my little April Fool's prank - in which I sent a group email out and pretended my Trad JJ club was gonna change into a BJJ club - was taken a little too seriously by some members.
Duh! I'm not gonna tranform my club into BJJ. My two jujitsu lives are distinct and separate but not wholly intercompatable, hence you'll find us practising groundwork in the trad class and self-defence drills in the BJJ class. I rate both forms as equally valid and important.
For those who didn't get the original email, here is an abbreviated version:
>
>
Dear club member,
I wanted to write and let you know about a big change I am making to Imperial JJ Club. After a very long time thinking about the direction the club should go, I have decided to focus the club
solely on groundfighting in the Gracie Jiu Jitsu tradition. Sadly this means I will no longer be teaching the current syllabus.
Clearly this is a huge step for me to take, but I have spoken to my BJJ instructors who are obviously pleased and have offered me support.
As is traditional with other BJJ clubs, I will be adopting a ‘Gracie’ figurehead as my mentor. Since Roger, Royler, Royce and others are well represented in the UK, I have been lucky to
obtain representation with the lesser known (and cheaper) but equally brilliant Ravinuon Gracie (3rd dan) – 4th son of Grandmaster Charlton Gracie (12th dan).
To kick things off, Master Ravinuon will be coming over from Rio and visiting our club for an introductory seminar – pencilled for September 31st. Of course I would be delighted to invite
everyone from NKJJK and Imperial to participate.
When students meet him, please remember that it is a big faux pas to mispronounce his name - the ‘R’ should be pronounced as an ‘H’ but other than that, he’s a really nice guy.
It’s all very exciting and I will keep you abreast of the news.
Take care and all the best.
S.
>
>
So some people didn't get the 'Ravinuon', or 'Having You On' - play on words. Clearly, I have too much idle time on my hands. :)
Fools Gold
OK, it's time to own up and admit my little April Fool's prank - in which I sent a group email out and pretended my Trad JJ club wa...
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