Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is a wonderful sport full of lovely people and lovely techniques to learn. But some aspects are, how can I put this delicately...some aspects could do with a bit of cleaning up. Here is a list of all the gross things that a typical BJJer will experience at some point in their training. Enjoy! Or not.
- Sweat from training partners - commonly dripping right into your mouth but the eyeball and ear canal are also targets.
- Mat crap - any room where sweaty men and women congregate several times a day, every day is going to accumulate a load of dust, fluff, hair and all manner of bleurgh no matter how fastidious the cleaner. That fluff crap will inevitably end up in your mouth at some point. Yuk!
- Beeee ooooh - people smell, it is a fact of life. Some smell worse than others. Then, there are the (thankfully) rare individuals who surpass even this. They are the great unwashed. They should not be allowed to pass AT ALL!
- Feet - great part of the body for joint locking. Also great for picking up crap from the floor. I once saw a competitor at a tournament stand at the urinal having a pee IN HIS BARE FEET!!! The floor was damp with wee and yes, he then went on to compete on the mat. EWWWW!
- Razor sharp nails might be cool if you are Wolverine. Or Edward Scissorhands. But they have no place on the mat. CUT THEM SHORT!!!
- Going 'Commando' is really only for hippies. As a grappler, I DO NOT want to know that your 'boys' have been set free and come loose. I have not personally experienced a training partner who has developed a 'stiffy' but someone on Facebook did say this happened to them once.
- There are some techniques where it is an inescapable fact that if you showed them to the general non-BJJ public, you would be arrested for lewd behaviour. If you do find yourself with your face on someone's crotch, stay calm, do not panic and think of England.
- My wife is a very understanding type. She has to be for many a time I have come home with the unmistakable scars of stubble burn as my grizzled training partners scour their chins across my face. I simply tell her no eye contact was made during the coupling and she's cool with that. Ahem.
- I personally have not witnessed this particular stain, but I have it on good authority that it does happen and quite often. I honestly hope it is something else, like, the person is a fan of Belgian chocolate and just so happens to be quite clumsy and frequently drops it on their gi pants. Umm, yeah, that'll be the reason.
- I'm sure we've all seen that video. You know, the one where the very large person empties their bowels, seemingly unaware, all in front of an incredulous cameraman. God forbid this should happen to you, either as the excreter or the excretee.
I'm sure there are a litany of gross things that happen when training. Comment here if you like and let me know of ones that I have missed. I will save the best for a Part Two article!